Hard Times - Revision #10 - February 28, 2008 10:44:20 AM UTC

Picking up the ladies in old days was sooo easy. Trading in the Golden Mile made you part of an elite. It gave you a reputation, and opened doors. The City was ours for the taking and the fun never stopped. When you spotted an elephant.. that was our code for a nine or ten... one of my favourite ploys was cracking open a case of Dom Perignon and offering a glass to everyone, like I owned the place and it was on the house. Except her. Classic, yeah ?! My mates would be cheering me, and if she had male companions, I made doubly sure they got some too, and they'd be slapping me on the back... I was da Man !!.

Then, it was just a matter of letting her stew for a few minutes, wondering if she's got pimples or something. Then, hey, suddenly you notice her... "how could you have missed her", kinda thing, you know, yeah ?! Offer her a glass, and you're in. Poor thing's so relieved, she downs it in a minute. Keep pouring on the attention and the champagne. Champagne was definitely the key... it said and did everything that was needed... how could they refuse, yeah ?! You did get the odd prune or two trying to play the hard to get game... but that didn't get them very far. In the City, you played by our rules, yeah ?! Or you didn't play at all. They usually went home alone, the sad hags.

Anyway, when bagging time came... that's what we called clinching the deal, yeah ?!... all I had to do was slide up to her, flash my perfectly lined veneers with Oscars'-red-carpet smile to match, and say “I’ve been tested and it came back negative, but I have these anyway", and show her my box of Trojans. When you're the dogs bollocks, it's that easy to bag an elephant, yeah ?! A reputation, designer suit, champagne, a flash of gold, the women were easy, yeah? Often, I even got away without a glove.

Of course then the bloody bubble burst. We all knew it had to happen sometime... thought we'd be smart enough to see it coming and jump ship at the last minute. Our mate Peter... we laughed when he pulled out and went to Stockholm. His Swedish girlfriend was like that blonde ABBA bird, you know the one, yeah ?! I'd do her any day, yeah ?! But still, Stockholm !? Know what I mean ?! Hell, I should have followed him, and got his girl to boot, yeah ?!

Those were the days, when men were men.

Then it all got harder.... a lot harder...